FATshion Journal Blog by Lilly

Note: I started writing this blog in March while on our way Home to the Happiest Place on Earth ---days before resigning from my job of six years... I’ve always enjoyed my time sitting at a desk looking out a window… Which is probably why as I sit thousands of feet above the sky I am inspired to pull out my laptop (That I’ve packed to finish work emails – on my day off)  but  as I type those words- I’ve chosen to f*ck that sh*t – I am going to use my laptop to blog! I am a little  conflicted on where to start –  I’ve had these thoughts, these words, this blog on my mind for a long time… (Clears throat: it has been well over a year since my last blogpost) I haven’t written for fun in ages and I know myself well enough to know that I shouldn’t have taken such a long break from journaling/blogging (Friendly FYI – I maintain a handwritten journal in addition to my blog) But even before the summer 2019 I stopped all forms of journaling completely – I insta-s...

* Trigger warning- (I recently saw a movie that I wish had started with one) so the following blogpost will include: anxiety, self-harm, suicide Thank you readers and followers that interact with my blog and my insta-stories, this one's for y'all. Thank you for providing affirmations and concern over my little corner on this Earth. Necklace from TYPO Thi will be some heavy shit, I know... I usually manage my functional depression really well and I made it throught the Holidays without fully bumming out so I thought I was in the clear for 2019. But God has a sick and twisted sense of humor because while I was planning weekend activities and #ootd shots - life slapped me with a wave of anger, shame, desperation, fatigue and overall put in a really shitty-fucking-selfhating mood. I could feel myself sinking and drowning but rather than ask for help, I put on a brave face and smiled- (I am sometimes of the "live in denial" mindset) Until Feb 18th when I lite...

I am currently losing a fight with myself and I feel like I have been emotionally beaten by others and myself...  So today's post is short and sweet... In the meantime I am doing some self-healing by reading, drinking, eating and WRITING! and by the grace of God, a coworker invited me to join a challenge of 5 Days of Gratitude...  A reminder that even when I am mad at the world and myself - I have so much to be thankful for...  So today was Day 1 and it was all thanks to a pretty awesome morning when I got 3 1/2hrs to myself... If you remind yourself how blessed you are, it has a different impact on the rest of your day... And because of this I am also reminded that I need to attend church again- I haven't been able to in a really long time! I miss having time to decompress and reflect... I am in a dark room, I know where the light switch but for some reason I choose to stay in the dark... In order to be in the light and out of the d...

I LOVE READING!!! Especially words written by women!!! Okie dokie... Sooooo... if you have been following my blog, you know that I didn't post anything on June 1st, in regards to Weddimg Post Update... And that honestly has me freaking the f*ck out! The worst part of it is, that I internalize that kinda stress the best! Hence, I begin to use defense mechanisms that are not so good for you... like over eating and over drinking... The stress is not about that I didn't post anythung but that I didn't have anything to post about- I don't have an update because I haven't done anything! There are way too many things on our Wedding To Do list... And we just haven't gotten to any of it... I hope that by July1st I have an update- because I am stating here and now- that in June we are getting back to Wedding Wednesday! And we are hitting things on the nail! We will actually buy things for centerpieces and for STD's (Save the Dates...LOL) Today, instead o...

Picture from Pinterest: How I like to write: Cole Ryan Though I take a lot of pride in my weirdness and especially now that I can celebrate my anxiety out in the open - I still have trouble talking about the ugly side of my anxiety issues - So here it goes: meet the uglier side of the tiny person inside my head that more than often wishes I didn't wake up... it's why I try to keep her so hidden... because to show  vulnerability is as real as it gets... Last night was a tough night! Yesterday was my first day at my new job! Yay! And it was a good day! My super sweet co-worker got me chocolate chip muffins! And the cutest plant! And I was ready to burst into toot-toot mode when I got home... Instead when I got home - I was greeted with hostility- And I was not expecting it at all... And that's when I became aware of how fragile my state of mind really is... And rather than give into it - I thought I would just separate myself from the situation but that proved to ...

PS. From Post #5:  Positive self-image is what I was talking about...  .Read "The Militant Baker" found to the right... Please No More body shaming one another...After you finish reading my post #6 wink-wink.. Ok now for Post #6... I started to think about this post while at work attending some pointless training about timesheets and 401(k) that we could have picked up from a booklet...Ugh... So Yay Me! I found a way to get paid for writing my blog- Commence Maniacal laugh...muahaha!!! I also hate these meetings cause after 6 months and a promotion I still feel like the new awkward kid at work... So thanks ugh-some work-place... In the last few posts I have let y'all take a peek into my head... and you've only gotten... really... a quick glimpse of the Tiny Person that exist in my head- Source: nataliedee.com I don't know how they captured an image of the Tiny Person in my head but here it is! The Tiny Person in my mind (I know you're wondering......

This is my GAD and OCD  at its best! Disorders my ass... Ok - my state of mind when I came up with this blog entry, I was pissed off and irritated but today, after a whole day of Disney movies and lounging I have had a hard time getting started (I have also been planning our next Disneyland trip this weekendand it needs to be perfect since it's my x-mas gift for my parents and niece) Now! I am the kinda person when I hear someone say "How are you doin?" and someone responds "cant complain" I think to myself   "Oh, I bet you I can" Hence the title of post #3 And now I'm trying to channel that person and eureka!  Found the anger! Grrr.... (Yeah that made my point) Here is the back story, last Sunday I met with my friend,  +Sylvie Roussel   that I hadn't seen in over a month (thanks to her for tracking me down) And obviously there was a lot to catch up on! It has been busy busy - when I wrote Post #1 It had been the first weekend in month...