* Trigger warning- (I recently saw a movie that I wish had started with one) so the following blogpost will include: anxiety, self-harm, suicide
Thank you readers and followers that interact with my blog and my insta-stories, this one's for y'all. Thank you for providing affirmations and concern over my little corner on this Earth.
Thi will be some heavy shit, I know... I usually manage my functional depression really well and I made it throught the Holidays without fully bumming out so I thought I was in the clear for 2019.
But God has a sick and twisted sense of humor because while I was planning weekend activities and #ootd shots - life slapped me with a wave of anger, shame, desperation, fatigue and overall put in a really shitty-fucking-selfhating mood.
I could feel myself sinking and drowning but rather than ask for help, I put on a brave face and smiled- (I am sometimes of the "live in denial" mindset)
Until Feb 18th when I literally started to weep uncontrollably when I THOUGHT about putting on my bra; I had a nail appt, I had errands at my favorite Home Goods, I was going to clean the house and as soon as I thought about the day ahead of me, days that I usually live for, I broke down.
I felt irritable, fatigued, just overall overridden with anxiety.
I stayed in, closed the blinds, listened to sappy ass music, and for a brief milli-second thought - "Egh, who would miss me, I just make everything worse for everyone..."
Almost in complete serendipitous fashion Patch, Nano and Lita started barking at our neighborhood cat, Panda AND I SNAPPED MYSELF OUT OF IT
I rushed to the bathroom and burned myself a smidge to cope with my thoughts. (I have self-harmed since I was 11-12 and in my adult years, since my late 20s I have gone long periods without doing so, there are days nothing else will help me cope)
I walked back to the living room, opened the blinds, turned off the music, and played Disney movies instead but I kept on zoning out so instead I did some "window shopping" online until my husband called me to tell me he was coming home.
I was just happy to know he would be home and that I would get through the night.
The following days were a blur until Thursday when I came home and felt an overwhelming sense of desperation to catch my breath:
Earlier in the car, on my way home, on the radio, there was a woman who had just won $1,000 and she planned to spend the money on her daughter's dance costumes. She was so grateful and I'm not entirely sure how or why but my thought process went way left.
Thought: I am 33 years-old and still without a human child - for the longest time I thought that by 33 I would at least have one... And clearly we still only have our three furry kids
Feeling: And then I felt an immense amount of guilt because I LOOOOOOOVE my fur babies and I can find that fulfilling for the rest of my life - truly.and sincerely
Thought: But then I don't wanna be 40-something wishing I had had kids.
After thought: But I also don't want that to be the only reason we have kids...
Thought: Plus this world is going to shit and do I really wanna bring this type of suffering to a child
Trigger Thought: Am I even fit to be someone's mother? (This is the question that sets me off)
Me to myself: Shut the fuck up...
Tiny spark of Joy: When I get through our front door, I am home (breathe) Our three furry kids greet me at the door with an excitement that only they can provide.
Guilt: Eventhough we were set to go to the Happiest Place on Earth, all I could think about was my furry kids and how I wanted a weekend with them instead.
About to jump outta my skin: I speed walk to myself closet - let out a good scream - a good cry, let the world sink in all at once (I cant quite explain it but in those manic moments I find profound clarity) So then without thinking I booked a hotel in Carmel... Then I called my husband and told him that we were going to Carmel.
He knows me sooo well and probably heard it in my voice and he said "Okay! Awesome! We can try out Lita's new carrier bag."
I walk out and waiting by the door are my two boys and my one girl looking over them --- I felt myself lighten, I inhaled and exhaled without holding my breath in between and began to plan my outfits and the plans for the weekend and I felt like myself again.
All this to say, I know that my life will happen when it is suppose to happen...
But knowing is not always the same as understanding.
I am currently struggling to understand 🎶when will my life begin 🎶
I didn't want to acknowledge it but it's the truth... That faint tick-tock from months ago is louder and clearer... We want a human baby and my only regret is that I didn't just get knocked up sooner...
Getting pregnant is not as easy as they make it seem on Teen Mom - well, at least not when you're 33;-)
My fear about sharing this vulnerability will be the EVEN MORE CONSTANT "when are you guys gonna have kids" AND EVEN WORSE "are you pregnant yet?"
I share this blogpost in the hopes that you don't ask and that you keep your questions about my uterus to yourself! Unless you're my obgyn :)
I am already beating myself up for it and don't need NOR want the pestering to push me further into my anxiety.
Though, I will say, Carmel was an exellent choice and gave me back my strength to say fuck off! To dark moments like this... And fuck off! If you come at me with these questions with or without having read my blog.
Fatshion deets... Yes after all of that, I can still speak of trivial things too... We are all multifaceted humans and like I've said before I am not only my mental illness and I am not only just my suicide attempts.
Dressing well is a part of my self-care, losing my sense of style means I've stopped caring about myself so I make sure to follow the mantra if I look good, I'll feel good and vice-versa.
Sweater: Nordstrom by Halogen
Jeans: Old Navy
Jacket: Outlet Levis
Shoes: Nordstrom by Meds x Kate Spade (bought them 4 years ago, here is the new collection)
It's all in the sake of self perseverance and if you don't like it, you guessed it, kindly fuck off!
That is all-
Til next time;
Toodles,
Lillyam Perez-Ngo
Thank you readers and followers that interact with my blog and my insta-stories, this one's for y'all. Thank you for providing affirmations and concern over my little corner on this Earth.
 |
| Necklace from TYPO |
But God has a sick and twisted sense of humor because while I was planning weekend activities and #ootd shots - life slapped me with a wave of anger, shame, desperation, fatigue and overall put in a really shitty-fucking-selfhating mood.
I could feel myself sinking and drowning but rather than ask for help, I put on a brave face and smiled- (I am sometimes of the "live in denial" mindset)
Until Feb 18th when I literally started to weep uncontrollably when I THOUGHT about putting on my bra; I had a nail appt, I had errands at my favorite Home Goods, I was going to clean the house and as soon as I thought about the day ahead of me, days that I usually live for, I broke down.
I felt irritable, fatigued, just overall overridden with anxiety.
I stayed in, closed the blinds, listened to sappy ass music, and for a brief milli-second thought - "Egh, who would miss me, I just make everything worse for everyone..."
Almost in complete serendipitous fashion Patch, Nano and Lita started barking at our neighborhood cat, Panda AND I SNAPPED MYSELF OUT OF IT
I rushed to the bathroom and burned myself a smidge to cope with my thoughts. (I have self-harmed since I was 11-12 and in my adult years, since my late 20s I have gone long periods without doing so, there are days nothing else will help me cope)
I walked back to the living room, opened the blinds, turned off the music, and played Disney movies instead but I kept on zoning out so instead I did some "window shopping" online until my husband called me to tell me he was coming home.
I was just happy to know he would be home and that I would get through the night.
The following days were a blur until Thursday when I came home and felt an overwhelming sense of desperation to catch my breath:
Earlier in the car, on my way home, on the radio, there was a woman who had just won $1,000 and she planned to spend the money on her daughter's dance costumes. She was so grateful and I'm not entirely sure how or why but my thought process went way left.
Thought: I am 33 years-old and still without a human child - for the longest time I thought that by 33 I would at least have one... And clearly we still only have our three furry kids
Feeling: And then I felt an immense amount of guilt because I LOOOOOOOVE my fur babies and I can find that fulfilling for the rest of my life - truly.and sincerely
Thought: But then I don't wanna be 40-something wishing I had had kids.
After thought: But I also don't want that to be the only reason we have kids...
Thought: Plus this world is going to shit and do I really wanna bring this type of suffering to a child
Trigger Thought: Am I even fit to be someone's mother? (This is the question that sets me off)
Me to myself: Shut the fuck up...
Tiny spark of Joy: When I get through our front door, I am home (breathe) Our three furry kids greet me at the door with an excitement that only they can provide.
Guilt: Eventhough we were set to go to the Happiest Place on Earth, all I could think about was my furry kids and how I wanted a weekend with them instead.
About to jump outta my skin: I speed walk to myself closet - let out a good scream - a good cry, let the world sink in all at once (I cant quite explain it but in those manic moments I find profound clarity) So then without thinking I booked a hotel in Carmel... Then I called my husband and told him that we were going to Carmel.
He knows me sooo well and probably heard it in my voice and he said "Okay! Awesome! We can try out Lita's new carrier bag."
I walk out and waiting by the door are my two boys and my one girl looking over them --- I felt myself lighten, I inhaled and exhaled without holding my breath in between and began to plan my outfits and the plans for the weekend and I felt like myself again.
All this to say, I know that my life will happen when it is suppose to happen...
But knowing is not always the same as understanding.
I am currently struggling to understand 🎶when will my life begin 🎶
I didn't want to acknowledge it but it's the truth... That faint tick-tock from months ago is louder and clearer... We want a human baby and my only regret is that I didn't just get knocked up sooner...
Getting pregnant is not as easy as they make it seem on Teen Mom - well, at least not when you're 33;-)
My fear about sharing this vulnerability will be the EVEN MORE CONSTANT "when are you guys gonna have kids" AND EVEN WORSE "are you pregnant yet?"
I share this blogpost in the hopes that you don't ask and that you keep your questions about my uterus to yourself! Unless you're my obgyn :)
I am already beating myself up for it and don't need NOR want the pestering to push me further into my anxiety.
Though, I will say, Carmel was an exellent choice and gave me back my strength to say fuck off! To dark moments like this... And fuck off! If you come at me with these questions with or without having read my blog.
 |
| Stressed, depressed and well dressed ;) I have a twisted-sick sense of humor |
Dressing well is a part of my self-care, losing my sense of style means I've stopped caring about myself so I make sure to follow the mantra if I look good, I'll feel good and vice-versa.
Sweater: Nordstrom by Halogen
Jeans: Old Navy
Jacket: Outlet Levis
Shoes: Nordstrom by Meds x Kate Spade (bought them 4 years ago, here is the new collection)
It's all in the sake of self perseverance and if you don't like it, you guessed it, kindly fuck off!
That is all-
Til next time;
Toodles,
Lillyam Perez-Ngo
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