This Sh*t Just Got Real... I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Cry...Damn it!

Picture from Pinterest: How I like to write: Cole Ryan

Though I take a lot of pride in my weirdness and especially now that I can celebrate my anxiety out in the open - I still have trouble talking about the ugly side of my anxiety issues - So here it goes: meet the uglier side of the tiny person inside my head that more than often wishes I didn't wake up... it's why I try to keep her so hidden... because to show  vulnerability is as real as it gets...

Last night was a tough night!

Yesterday was my first day at my new job! Yay! And it was a good day! My super sweet co-worker got me chocolate chip muffins! And the cutest plant! And I was ready to burst into toot-toot mode when I got home...

Instead when I got home - I was greeted with hostility- And I was not expecting it at all...

And that's when I became aware of how fragile my state of mind really is... And rather than give into it - I thought I would just separate myself from the situation but that proved to be futile as well

It just never forgets to re-introduce itself to me

I have learned to cope with a lot of my eccentricities and my obsessive compulsive thoughts - but the truth is I cant continue to talk about my weirdness without talking about my anxiety and I can't continue to talk about my anxiety without my depression and I can't continue to talk about my depression without talking about some of my darkest thoughts and actions...

I am a "former" cutterr - I say "former" because I still find ways to extract my emotional pain - in a physical manner... pulling my hair out, by snapping my bra, snapping a rubber band, pinching my skin, scratching myself (I have the long nails to do so) And I wasn't a cutter-cutter... I use to just poke myself with needles or burn myself... ( I know I just minimized my problem but I also have a very morbid outlook and sense of humor that most people don't get: it's like that Barenaked Ladies' lyric "I'm the kinda guy who laughs at a funeral")

And through out my early teenage years well into young adulthood I continued to do so... And I took extreme measures at least three times by playing Russian roulette with my life-

For all these reasons, I sought out a therapist as an adult and was finally getting to the cognitive healing rather than just focus on the short-term physiological healing...

But with the lost of insurance I went back to just coping- to just surviving day by day- dreading the mornings because it meant I had woken up...

And Last night I had the worst panic attack I have had in months and rather than make light of it like I usually do - I wanna get real for just a sec...

I talk a lot of shit about authenticity and genuineness - And I am realizing as I write this - I have been projecting... Because the worst liars are the ones that believe their own lies... I started to believe that I was okay... I will smile so as to not worry anyone but sometimes I don't feel like smiling and that's when the anxiety builds up and gets worse and worse - to the point that I blow up like I did last night!

I even scared myself last night -

I am not ok and that's ok - because I eventually will be ok...

P.S. (Positive Sidenote: Next post, I promise the next set of Vinh-isms are coming your way - stay tuned - it was suppose this post but I figured God blessed me this evening - so why not write about in my morbid way)