FATshion Journal Blog by Lilly

I remember feeling so pissed off last year and this year I'm really doing okay. I had a rough mental year - I fantasized on more than one occasion a world without me and it took an outstanding toll on me. But in a good way, because after the darkest hour comes light because I feel like I am more centered; I feel prepared because in this rough year, though I contemplated ending it all, I also developed tools* to help me deal with those dark thoughts. *Healthy tools, i.e. It has a lot to do with placing myself and folks around me into "boxes." I already compartmentalize my life and have started to do that with those that surround me. I have a better understanding of what to expect of people and I understnd better what to expect of myself. By no means am I resentful of the boxes people live in; this tool has helped me cope with feelings of being wronged, ignored or unloved. Being angry only shortens your breath and poisons your soul - "so baby, d...

I find myself constantly apologizing for the following life choices: Being married and not having kids Being married to a skinny guy Being fat and being married Being fat and not giving a fuck  Going to Disneyland more than the average person "should" Wanting to spend time alone Laughing too loud Burping too loud Craving more time alone with just me and my hubby Referring to my furry kids as my kids etc etc etc And I am not apologizing to anyone in particular but in conversations and in telling about my weekends, my vacations, my time with my husband- I find myself saying sorry or having to explain my life choices.   And as it usually happens, (I get all reflective and shit during my birthday) and the stark realization is that I don't have to apologize anymore - not that I ever had to but the feeling of "needing to" is subsiding! My life with my husband and my babies is a life I have built for myself because it fulfills me.  We don...