FATshion Journal Blog by Lilly

If you struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide, please visit this page . Its been a day and I can't help but relate...hearing about suicides triggers too many gloomy feelings... I need to get comfortable with words like depression and suicide. I once wrote about the ugly side of my GAD (you can read it here) and in it I said that I have played Russian roulette with my life - it was my way of telling the world of my attempts, yes, more than once.... As a survivor... I can't help but relate and almost romanticize death and freedom. I struggle with the idea of disappearing almost everyday. I could be having, what "normal" people call a "good" day or a "bad" day, it doesn't matter.  Today, I heard folks calling him a coward, selfish and a quitter... But little do people know (either because they lack experience or they don't care to know) that it's a constant struggle. No one knows his demons, no one knows m...

I am currently losing a fight with myself and I feel like I have been emotionally beaten by others and myself...  So today's post is short and sweet... In the meantime I am doing some self-healing by reading, drinking, eating and WRITING! and by the grace of God, a coworker invited me to join a challenge of 5 Days of Gratitude...  A reminder that even when I am mad at the world and myself - I have so much to be thankful for...  So today was Day 1 and it was all thanks to a pretty awesome morning when I got 3 1/2hrs to myself... If you remind yourself how blessed you are, it has a different impact on the rest of your day... And because of this I am also reminded that I need to attend church again- I haven't been able to in a really long time! I miss having time to decompress and reflect... I am in a dark room, I know where the light switch but for some reason I choose to stay in the dark... In order to be in the light and out of the d...

Picture from Pinterest: How I like to write: Cole Ryan Though I take a lot of pride in my weirdness and especially now that I can celebrate my anxiety out in the open - I still have trouble talking about the ugly side of my anxiety issues - So here it goes: meet the uglier side of the tiny person inside my head that more than often wishes I didn't wake up... it's why I try to keep her so hidden... because to show  vulnerability is as real as it gets... Last night was a tough night! Yesterday was my first day at my new job! Yay! And it was a good day! My super sweet co-worker got me chocolate chip muffins! And the cutest plant! And I was ready to burst into toot-toot mode when I got home... Instead when I got home - I was greeted with hostility- And I was not expecting it at all... And that's when I became aware of how fragile my state of mind really is... And rather than give into it - I thought I would just separate myself from the situation but that proved to ...

This is my GAD and OCD  at its best! Disorders my ass... Ok - my state of mind when I came up with this blog entry, I was pissed off and irritated but today, after a whole day of Disney movies and lounging I have had a hard time getting started (I have also been planning our next Disneyland trip this weekendand it needs to be perfect since it's my x-mas gift for my parents and niece) Now! I am the kinda person when I hear someone say "How are you doin?" and someone responds "cant complain" I think to myself   "Oh, I bet you I can" Hence the title of post #3 And now I'm trying to channel that person and eureka!  Found the anger! Grrr.... (Yeah that made my point) Here is the back story, last Sunday I met with my friend,  +Sylvie Roussel   that I hadn't seen in over a month (thanks to her for tracking me down) And obviously there was a lot to catch up on! It has been busy busy - when I wrote Post #1 It had been the first weekend in month...