Note: I started writing this blog in March while on our way Home to the Happiest Place on Earth ---days before resigning from my job of six years...
I’ve always enjoyed my time sitting at a desk looking out a
window… Which is probably why as I sit thousands of feet above the sky I am
inspired to pull out my laptop (That I’ve packed to finish work emails – on my
day off) but as I type those words- I’ve
chosen to f*ck that sh*t – I am going to use my laptop to blog!
I am a little conflicted on where to start –
I’ve had these thoughts, these words, this blog on my mind
for a long time… (Clears throat: it has been well over a year since my last blogpost) I
haven’t written for fun in ages and I know myself well enough to know that I
shouldn’t have taken such a long break from journaling/blogging (Friendly FYI – I
maintain a handwritten journal in addition to my blog)
But even before the summer 2019 I stopped all forms of journaling
completely – I insta-story’d instead as a form to cope with my thoughts and
emotions BUT as what happens with social media (No new revelation here) Happened
to me… I became more concerned with portraying happiness, best of me vibes, my bougie
tendencies, etc, etc My posts became a means to show that I was living my best unapologetic life…
BUT THE TRUTH is that I’ve been teetering with full on
depression for over a year! In previous blog entries I’ve confided that I live day to day with functioning depression;
I remember the day my therapist told me that I might be depressed and may have anxiety! I. GOT. DEFENSIVE. A.F. I mean- the defensive side of me is a
portrait of me that I hardly show (only a small circle have been “privileged” to
know her; I cried, I yelled (at another adult), I punched my palm, my thighs,
my palm again and again BECAUSE she wasn’t getting it...
THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY I WAS DEPRESSED – my grades were
the best they’d ever been in college, I had an active social life, I had just
met a cute guy (the partner I would eventually marry) I was in denial... After weeks of combating with my therapist I accepted the diagnosis but kept it to myself for many years - I only began to open up about my mental health just recently with my blog.
A year ago, I felt the depression monster kicking in again and after a year of denying it, there’s no more denying it.
I am depressed.
“Sadness is a typical emotion and expected in situations of loss, change, or difficult life experiences,” says . Mayra Mendez, PhD, psychotherapist and program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence Saint John's Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, California. “Depression is a condition that exists without triggers and lingers to the point of needing treatment. Depression is more than occasional sadness. Depression involves periods of hopelessness, lethargy, emptiness, helplessness, irritability, and problems focusing and concentrating.”
Now accumulate all of the above with unemployment, unprecedented times, confronting familial anti-black sentiments, #45 supporting in-laws, an immunocompromised partner who's not as careful as I wish, fearing and bordering alcoholism to cope with EVERY damn emotion and you've got yourself a cluster-fuck of a storm.
Oh and did I forget to mention we lost our Baby Girl Lita a month before S.I.P and I lost my maternal grandma three weeks ago...
It goes without saying but holy hell this TIME has been a whirlwind. All this TIME alone with my thoughts is incredibly scary and terrifying. I coped with jokes about suicide, drinking bottles of wine and door dashing until my credit line ran up.
Gruesome descriptions ahead: Now, I knew I had done fucked up when on a night of binge eating I projectile vomited.
Rather than take it easy the following day, I drank a whole bottle and a half of wine in under an hour - got blacked out drunk - had an emotional tantrum where according to my husband I kept on repeating that I'd be better off dead and everyone would be better off without me, especially him...
I tossed everything around the house and was practically Hurricane Lilly, I laid down and sobbed a little more before getting back up, cleaned up my mess and went to bed; yes, I cleaned up because if that's not functioning depression, IDK what is ;-)
The following morning, I had a hangover from hell and the hubby explained what happened thus began my attempt to fix myself. I was really concerned that I might be an alcoholic so I Googled it and found this article; Problem Drinking Vs Alcoholism
I went two weeks without drinking and felt accomplished and "rewarded" myself with two glasses of wine on the 4th. I thought, well if I could do two weeks, I can most certainly do a month and I did!
Now I say "rewarded" because alcohol has been my reward for all my struggles. Wine has been my way to ease my anxiety, ease my sadness, ease my anger, celebrate my successes, celebrate my wins, celebrate a fucking random Tuesday.
I started drinking at 20 years-old and quickly learned thanks to alcohol my inhibitions and anxiety were pretty much non-existent and I could finally be a "social butterfly."
Since then, for the last 14 years, my drinking habits have slowly progressed from once every two months, to once a month to twice a month, to once a week, to three to four times a week. And I wish I could say it'd be just a glass or two but on occasions I could finish a whole bottle and be ready to function the next day!
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| Don't let the angle fool y'all this hike was an uphill climb in sand! Located San Francisco, Ca: Lover's Lane |
There have been days that I've been tempted to drink and no more so than on the day I found out that my grandma passed away; I spent the day with my mom to mourn together and when I got home, all I wanted was a glass of sauvignon blanc to "take the edge off" but I did not INSTEAD I went with my 2nd all time favorite "reward" .... drrrrrrrrrrrum rrrrrrrroooooolllllll... FOOD! (Wingstop to be exact)
After heading down a rabbit hole of why drinking everyday is bad (duh), found the effects to be hairloss, flushy skin, mood swings, lack of sleep, feeling cold/flu symptoms (which explained the popular meme; Do I have the rona or am I hungover?) I then dove into a very superficial search for what I can consume to help my hair grow and help me with my adult acne...
That led me down another rabbit hole of food and its nutrients. I decided then and there to eat and drink with more intention;
I gave myself a bit of a double whammy - I couldn't turn to drinking or food so I put in the work and I studied so I can could dive deep into my feelings. It took my hubby saying, "You're really feeling all of it because you're not drinking," and welp- he's right, I let myself dive deep into my depression.
What I miss most is routine, the husband only got to SIP for maybe 2-3 weeks and then returned to work. Those 2-3 weeks were heavenly! We woke up at the same time, we would have breakfast, well I would and Vinh had coffee. We would watch "Let's Make-a-Deal," then walk the kids, plan lunch, lounge together, play games, then cook dinner together, so when the husband returned to work - I had to really be alone.
By the time April and May rolled by I felt exhausted, those 60+ days were hard AF emotionally, mentally, and physically. June became increasingly harder and even a trip to Carmel didn't work and that trip probably explains why I got as drunk as I did that night previously mentioned.
"Enough is enough" is what I told myself; I am depressed and I want to do something about it!
Self-love and body positivity is about accepting and respecting all bodies. This TIME has been flipping challenging but thanks to this TIME I have been allowed TIME to rebuild a relationship with my body that I resent so much; baby box out of service, menstrual cramps from hell, hormonal imbalance, ocular migraines, carries stress and tension on shoulder blades which causes insomnia, incapable of consuming too much spinach due to kidney stones (minor but I really do love spinach) the list goes on and on...
It's now about a month and half in and my skin looks better, I made it through a menstrual cycle with moderate menstrual cramps that I attribute to more magnesium consumption and physical activity, I've consistently slept 7.5 hours to 8 hours and I've only had about 2 panic attacks. This is also the longest I've gone without an ocular migraine!
This doesn't mean I will never not drink again or that I will never not enjoy my favoritest of foods- it just means that I want my life with more intention and more balance (After all, I am a Libra) because I lived the last few 10+weeks with a whole lot more want and felt sick and disgusting.
Learning to feed my mind, body and soul with both needs and wants has been more rewarding. (with the exception of constipation => too much cauliflower, broccoli and kale.)
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| Highly recommend @artbymoga on Instagram! |
I know there are some bodily functions/dysfunctions that are genetic but I always told myself that if I had the TIME I would be able to skip McDonald's for a hummus spread sand which with a side of carrots - AND I finally did have the TIME so I did.
Building a routine, a planner with time for groceries, chores, time with doggies, scheduling TV time, allocating time for coloring, reading, shopping, physical activity and so on... My planner has really been my savior!
Mental health/wellness is not linear but I am cautiously optimistic that I may have found different ways to not be so dependent of my wants and instead learning to love my needs more.
That is all,
Toodles
Lilly Perez-Ngo
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