That Awkward Moment When You Realize "Oh Shit, Lilly is Technically, Medically, Psychologically... Weird..." Awwwwkwwwaaaard...
PS. From Post #5: Positive self-image is what I was talking about... .Read "The Militant Baker" found to the right... Please No More body shaming one another...After you finish reading my post #6 wink-wink..
Ok now for Post #6...
I started to think about this post while at work attending some pointless training about timesheets and 401(k) that we could have picked up from a booklet...Ugh... So Yay Me! I found a way to get paid for writing my blog- Commence Maniacal laugh...muahaha!!! I also hate these meetings cause after 6 months and a promotion I still feel like the new awkward kid at work... So thanks ugh-some work-place...
In the last few posts I have let y'all take a peek into my head... and you've only gotten... really... a quick glimpse of the Tiny Person that exist in my head-
The Tiny Person in my mind (I know you're wondering... dude, are you schizo??? Perhaps...) And as I was saying, the tiny person in my mind, I made up a long time ago, to help me; to compensate for my eccentricities (And now revealing them I realize they [Tiny person and Fred] may only certify my weirdness)
Revealing them out loud, I feel a little naked... They are my security blanket and they are my coping mechanism...
For what??? I have been hiding/coping away my GAD, and OCD. My therapist was never too sure what came first, it was kinda like the chicken and the egg question...
Backstory: I touched a little in the preceding post about going into a depression and I have always denied my depression to myself - I convinced myself that I was ok- And I did a mighty good job of lying to myself for about 4yrs - I hit my rock bottom and took a semester off school to focus on me - I sought out a doctor because the sleepless nights and headaches would not stop - getting the shakes in public - being "mean" - the endless journal entries and crying myself to sleep were no longer working for me - waking up sweating and sometimes breathless...( I put "mean" in quotes because I was irritable but never malicious)
Long story short... The doctor eventually recommended I see a mental health specialist! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
My jaw dropped... and I was like oh snaps my mom was right... if I kept on watching movies like "Girl, Interrupted" and/or loving characters like "Wednesday" and "Lydia Deetz" that I would end up just like them... in an asylum... ( I just realized 2/3 of those characters are played by Winona Ryder)
And then the second worst thought... I am gonna be put in a straitjacket... then another thought... Ugh, my mom is gonna be real mad when she has to pick up and identify my body (cause duh... I would die in the asylum cause everyone knows all asylums are like the one in the opening scene of "House on Haunted Hill" for reference purposes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l_b2DvTGzM )
My mom was gonna be mad at me...
1. Cause I'm dead
2. Cause I wasn't at school like I said I was
3. Cause I was wearing my most comfortable panties, we all know the kind... a little hole-y, stretched out, reaching their retirement but you just cant part ways with them...
And I'm sure I must've made a face (I cant control my facial expressions I REALLY CANT) cause when I was ready to put my arms into straitjacket position, the doctor immediately handed me the list of mental specialists I could seek... And all was alright with the world until I realized I had to make the phone call to make my first appointment... I made my appointment - and I went and while in the waiting room, after I finished chipping away at my nail-polish, I re-organized their magazine rack in chronological/alphabetical order and left the most recent newspapers for other patients to read...
After a lot of, what I assume to be introductory questions, I felt better - I felt proud of myself - I was given a few recommendations to cope with my symptoms - And after a few sessions my therapist informed me that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder that I had managed with my OCD tendencies or vice-versa- soon after came discussions about medications and future therapy sessions... I turned down the medication... And thought I would try it au-natural -
I was excited to know I wasn't completely crazy! ( I know a part if me is crazy all on its own Manical Laugh muahahaha) And then an over-flow of shame showered me and I didnt wanna tell my parents, family, my boyfriend (now Fiance..before he has a cow) I didn't tell anyone - But I figured revealing the OCD first would be better and eventually... I would inform people of the GAD eventually....
I did eventually tell my students at the time (I wanted them to know to be careful about labeling people "weird") - and then a few co-workers (building camaraderie) - and eventually some family members (on a drunken evening but hey at least they know now) and the Fiance (only because I LOST IT a couple of times and I didn't want to scare him away without an explanation- the only person who has truly seen what happens when I LOSE IT; the moments I wish I were on meds) And now I'm telling y'all...
So to further explain Fred and the Tiny Person in my head: Fred (like a journal/diary) I share my thoughts with and the Tiny Person (like a catalyst) is the one who gets to freak out while I attempt to stay poised
Now when people call me weird and a smidge awkward - I no longer squirm - not even a little because I am who I is and I is who I am - I, thankfully, since my diagnosis, have only had a handful and a half of anxiety attacks in the last few years and I am no longer resentful of my 'disorders' (I really do wish it was called something else that's why I just refer to them in acronym)
In job interviews I have been asked what are my weaknesses and strengths - And I can now say that my GAD and OCD can be both, depending on the day and what I choose to feel because I understand that it is a disorder, my disorder, and I have the power to choose my reaction... Because they don't define me as a whole... Now! That doesn't mean I always make the right choices, hence...
Somedays I wish I had just been born into a "normal" life, completely uncomplicated, and then other days I am thankful for them because I wouldn't have met (especially the LOML who loves my "urges"; to randomly sing, dance, poke, speak in giberrish") done, seen, experienced the things I have experienced if it weren't for the road I am traveling and parts of that road include sight-seeing roads to GAD and OCD.
PS: Check-out this link for a little further explanation
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-anxious-people-will-understand
My Favorites
#1. Thanks to Too many Lifetime/horror movies
#4. True... especially the after-thought
#6. Ugh...
#7. I replay all of my encounters - I mean ALL OF THEM
#13. My Life's story
#17. I miss Downton Abbey
#19. Damn skippy son!
#24. Preach Sister!!!
(Thank you prima +irlanea Luna for this link)
Ok now for Post #6...
I started to think about this post while at work attending some pointless training about timesheets and 401(k) that we could have picked up from a booklet...Ugh... So Yay Me! I found a way to get paid for writing my blog- Commence Maniacal laugh...muahaha!!! I also hate these meetings cause after 6 months and a promotion I still feel like the new awkward kid at work... So thanks ugh-some work-place...
In the last few posts I have let y'all take a peek into my head... and you've only gotten... really... a quick glimpse of the Tiny Person that exist in my head-
 |
| Source: nataliedee.com I don't know how they captured an image of the Tiny Person in my head but here it is! |
The Tiny Person in my mind (I know you're wondering... dude, are you schizo??? Perhaps...) And as I was saying, the tiny person in my mind, I made up a long time ago, to help me; to compensate for my eccentricities (And now revealing them I realize they [Tiny person and Fred] may only certify my weirdness)
Revealing them out loud, I feel a little naked... They are my security blanket and they are my coping mechanism...
For what??? I have been hiding/coping away my GAD, and OCD. My therapist was never too sure what came first, it was kinda like the chicken and the egg question...
Backstory: I touched a little in the preceding post about going into a depression and I have always denied my depression to myself - I convinced myself that I was ok- And I did a mighty good job of lying to myself for about 4yrs - I hit my rock bottom and took a semester off school to focus on me - I sought out a doctor because the sleepless nights and headaches would not stop - getting the shakes in public - being "mean" - the endless journal entries and crying myself to sleep were no longer working for me - waking up sweating and sometimes breathless...( I put "mean" in quotes because I was irritable but never malicious)
Long story short... The doctor eventually recommended I see a mental health specialist! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
My jaw dropped... and I was like oh snaps my mom was right... if I kept on watching movies like "Girl, Interrupted" and/or loving characters like "Wednesday" and "Lydia Deetz" that I would end up just like them... in an asylum... ( I just realized 2/3 of those characters are played by Winona Ryder)
And then the second worst thought... I am gonna be put in a straitjacket... then another thought... Ugh, my mom is gonna be real mad when she has to pick up and identify my body (cause duh... I would die in the asylum cause everyone knows all asylums are like the one in the opening scene of "House on Haunted Hill" for reference purposes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l_b2DvTGzM )
My mom was gonna be mad at me...
1. Cause I'm dead
2. Cause I wasn't at school like I said I was
3. Cause I was wearing my most comfortable panties, we all know the kind... a little hole-y, stretched out, reaching their retirement but you just cant part ways with them...
And I'm sure I must've made a face (I cant control my facial expressions I REALLY CANT) cause when I was ready to put my arms into straitjacket position, the doctor immediately handed me the list of mental specialists I could seek... And all was alright with the world until I realized I had to make the phone call to make my first appointment... I made my appointment - and I went and while in the waiting room, after I finished chipping away at my nail-polish, I re-organized their magazine rack in chronological/alphabetical order and left the most recent newspapers for other patients to read...
After a lot of, what I assume to be introductory questions, I felt better - I felt proud of myself - I was given a few recommendations to cope with my symptoms - And after a few sessions my therapist informed me that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder that I had managed with my OCD tendencies or vice-versa- soon after came discussions about medications and future therapy sessions... I turned down the medication... And thought I would try it au-natural -
I was excited to know I wasn't completely crazy! ( I know a part if me is crazy all on its own Manical Laugh muahahaha) And then an over-flow of shame showered me and I didnt wanna tell my parents, family, my boyfriend (now Fiance..before he has a cow) I didn't tell anyone - But I figured revealing the OCD first would be better and eventually... I would inform people of the GAD eventually....
I did eventually tell my students at the time (I wanted them to know to be careful about labeling people "weird") - and then a few co-workers (building camaraderie) - and eventually some family members (on a drunken evening but hey at least they know now) and the Fiance (only because I LOST IT a couple of times and I didn't want to scare him away without an explanation- the only person who has truly seen what happens when I LOSE IT; the moments I wish I were on meds) And now I'm telling y'all...
So to further explain Fred and the Tiny Person in my head: Fred (like a journal/diary) I share my thoughts with and the Tiny Person (like a catalyst) is the one who gets to freak out while I attempt to stay poised
Now when people call me weird and a smidge awkward - I no longer squirm - not even a little because I am who I is and I is who I am - I, thankfully, since my diagnosis, have only had a handful and a half of anxiety attacks in the last few years and I am no longer resentful of my 'disorders' (I really do wish it was called something else that's why I just refer to them in acronym)
In job interviews I have been asked what are my weaknesses and strengths - And I can now say that my GAD and OCD can be both, depending on the day and what I choose to feel because I understand that it is a disorder, my disorder, and I have the power to choose my reaction... Because they don't define me as a whole... Now! That doesn't mean I always make the right choices, hence...
Somedays I wish I had just been born into a "normal" life, completely uncomplicated, and then other days I am thankful for them because I wouldn't have met (especially the LOML who loves my "urges"; to randomly sing, dance, poke, speak in giberrish") done, seen, experienced the things I have experienced if it weren't for the road I am traveling and parts of that road include sight-seeing roads to GAD and OCD.
PS: Check-out this link for a little further explanation
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-anxious-people-will-understand
My Favorites
#1. Thanks to Too many Lifetime/horror movies
#4. True... especially the after-thought
#6. Ugh...
#7. I replay all of my encounters - I mean ALL OF THEM
#13. My Life's story
#17. I miss Downton Abbey
#19. Damn skippy son!
#24. Preach Sister!!!
(Thank you prima +irlanea Luna for this link)
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