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Eat, Drink and Be Married Vol 1 Issue 3: My Name is Lilly and I Love Donuts More...More than life itself

Life: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Life: Mean Spirited...
Me: Mean Spirited, Who?
Life:  Mean Spirited Insecure Jealous Bitch!

And that Bitch that I am referring to, is Me... I have fallen off the wagon- the wagon of self-love! Our venue is officially booked and the next item on the list is our Save the Dates and I am also suppose to officially begin looking for dresses-

The "Looking Fly in my size 8/10 jeans" girl I use to be is back inside my head and having an argument with present "Still looking fly in my size 14 jeans" woman. Size 8 /10 convinced size 14 to hold off on sending the Save the Dates...

Take a wild guess as to why I haven't??? I feel ugly and I feel ugly because I am fat! Now - WAIT... I know that I have said I am more than ok with being fat and that I do love myself and honestly - I do find myself attractive! (Toot your own horn!)

But my self-esteem, recently, is common sense!  (My common sense)

I am quick to point out all of my defects and not only that, but I am allowing other people's opinion of what I should like affect me-

Anyone who truly knows me - Knows that I have never given a flying F**K about what anyone has to say or think about me-

So, someone tell me why in the last week I have been depriving myself of my favorite foods and have been working out?

Because as much as I tell myself that I love me and that I love my fat body - - - When I look at pictures of myself from about 6-7years ago - I look at them and wish that I had maintained that lifestyle of hitting the gym at least four times a week and only eating food that I made for myself -

I am conflicted... Which image of myslef do I want portrayed in our "Save the Dates" and the wedding?

But then I realize that in that lifestyle I only appeared to be "happy" and that in this present day body, I have experienced some of my highest highs of my life and it had nothing to do with my facade-

So tonight, as I write this post, I struggle with a decision: should I have this doughnut that has my name written all over it or do I got to bed feeling proud of myself for not doing what feels so natural to me-


Left 2005 - Right 2014:           And  I still look good....
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