Wooooooooooooosaaaaaaaaaaah...I SPOKE up... Vol 1 Issue 2

Watching "Downton Abbey" and I was inspired by something Mary said, "If you're going to complicate your life, do it for the right reasons."

I have processed my trial and error in regards to  my time with my previous employer- at first I didn't allow myself to show any reaction- BUT I am human and I am allowed to react!

The quote that has allowed me to process...I'm not sure how the quote goes... it goes along the lines of... "we cant choose what happens to us but we can choose how to react"- And I first decided to take full accountability for what happened - And I still do -  But responsibility = How do I fix it? How do I move on? - Thanks to what Mary said and this awesome blog http://tinybuddha.com/?s=unfairness I came up with the following...

Like a chef on the TV show "Top Chef" said once, regardless of anything, you must make a dish that you stand by- and that's what I did...

I wrote what I needed to write because journals and now my blog - are one of my sources for venting and exploring my feelings -

So here's to all those readers that are still reading my blog after my dismissal... Because I KNOW they KNOW - when someone "leaves/disappears" - the majority of folks know why... on my first week there I knew why so&so had been fired/demoted, who was getting sued and who was sleeping with who... (People just enjoyed gossiping not necessarily developing a genuine friendship) Sooooo..I am pretty sure when I "left/disappeared" the majority of 'em told each other why... and if they didn't - may I stand corrected -

This post is mainly to explain why I wrote - what I wrote back in January - Brought on by the fact that I still feel it's all unfair.. (By no means does this mean that am I sad - I only miss my kids). And though I will speak my truth - I understand that there are two more versions of the truth - theirs and God's truth - - -

I wrote that post because I felt ostracized and marginalized - Never in my life have I ever felt so alone in a crowded room - not on my trip to DC where I was the only brown kid, not on some Santana Row outings, not in a room where I'm the only one who doesn't speak the primary language, not even when I was buck-naked in a locker room - did I ever feel so uncomfortable as walking through that door (the last site I was at) everyday I was there-

I would excuse myself so that I could cry - I would excuse myself so that I can pull my hair out - and in one occasion I had an anxiety attack before heading to work-  And the straw that broke the camel's back was being told that an event commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr - didn't contribute anything to the community - At that point I'd had enough and began to draft my January post -

In the end they held the cards and they got rid of me... And to feel as if they still hold the cards, they denied me a trivial percentage of my livelihood...

All I can do is laugh! Because they are trivial! And their lack of compassion is outstanding! Their tactic and intention frightens me - literally - I was asked in my exit interview, why didn't I say any of this? Why? -Because the spoken code there was not to speak of anything that bothered you because then your head would be on the chopping block - I felt afraid to speak up - and I have never been known to keep my mouth shut - 

And when I did speak to my direct supervisor- I am ashamed to say that  - I CRIED - when I informed her that one other staff member was responsible for making a member feel unsafe - nothing was done to help the member - I am ashamed because I showed vulnerability to someone who didn't know how to process it -

And when I spoke up, through my writing - where I didn't mention names - and I wasn't friends with any of them on FB - they "stumbled on"/managed to find my blog... they had a "legitimate" reason to get rid of me - 

And now that I am no longer there -I don't cry everyday- My friends miss me at Happy Hour-  I can sleep again - My anxiety is not as bad - and I am not angry- at least not all the time - hehehe -  

And by God's plan- People that truly know me and my integrity and my passion, have brought me onto their team to do good work alongside people that share my values, work ethic and genuine love & need to help others!

I want to continue to believe that people are good and let go of the fact that some of these people's intentions ever made me feel different... especially during my exit interview-

Their last impression left on me during my exit interview, I was also asked "How can we ever trust you again" I stammer and respond, "Trust??? To do my job...? You may consult with [direct supervisor] that even with me harboring these feelings - I have never failed to complete my tasks in an orderly manner and most important of all, I have never faltered the kids and my dedication and promises to the kids" To which she responded, "It's not about the kids - it's about the organization"

With that said - I apologized for how they felt but not for what I wrote  - Because for me it is about the kids-  My only regret is not saying bye to my kids and that I wish I could tell some of my co-workers that this post didn't reflect all of them (most certainly!Not my time at Alum Rock- my time there was the most fun and welcoming) and that my post was written in satire and meant to be facetious - never hurtful - but as I have learned, I can only control what I write but not how people feel about it-

Moving forward - I only ask, God, let this rancorous feeling in my heart dissipate soon... I don't resent the people - I am only rancorous over their motivations and intentions...And I don't have control over that either...

I complicated my life for what I felt were the right reasons - I'm not perfect- I'm human and I'm a work in progress... And I must accept that so are they...

P.S. (Positive Sidenote) Focus on the disguised blessing from God; New career aspirations using the skill sets I have garnered in working with youth and translate it into working with a range of children age to corporate America AND Next blog MARCH 1st! WEDDING UPDATE!!!