Fatshion 101: Not Sorry, Not Sorry

I find myself constantly apologizing for the following life choices:

• Being married and not having kids
• Being married to a skinny guy
• Being fat and being married
• Being fat and not giving a fuck 
• Going to Disneyland more than the average person "should"
• Wanting to spend time alone
• Laughing too loud
• Burping too loud
• Craving more time alone with just me and my hubby
• Referring to my furry kids as my kids
• etc
• etc
• etc

And I am not apologizing to anyone in particular but in conversations and in telling about my weekends, my vacations, my time with my husband- I find myself saying sorry or having to explain my life choices.  

And as it usually happens, (I get all reflective and shit during my birthday) and the stark realization is that I don't have to apologize anymore - not that I ever had to but the feeling of "needing to" is subsiding!

My life with my husband and my babies is a life I have built for myself because it fulfills me. 

We don't have kids because a part of us wants to continue to enjoy the freedom that we've discovered living on our own (We moved out at 28 years-old) I can honestly say that I am not ready to embrace motherhood because I am thoroughly enjoying being selfish. I believe motherhood will be the greatest roles I will ever play but at this point in my life, it's not in the cards.

And that paragraph above is what I find myself constantly apologizing for - what I constantly have to explain but I just don't want to anymore!

I am fat and in love and married and am stylish and I don't give a f*ck! (Most of the time;-)

I have a husband who makes me laugh day in and day out. And a co-worker put it so beautifully, "Vinh is your world." He really is, besides our co-workers, our spouses (when married) are the persons we spent the most time with and eventually it will be kids but for now he is my world and I am his.

I would give anything in this world to know that my husband is at peace and he would do the same in return.

There is a comfort, a safety net, that I have never felt in my entire life until I met Vinh and I am done feeling guilty or apologetic about that.  

He reassures me everyday and during this year's birthday month, he made me feel even luckier than the luckiest woman alive! my HusVinh attempted to take me hot-air balloon riding (weather didn't allow) Gave me a tremendous birthday dinner after birthday dinner, stayed up until 3am helping me decorate for our birthdays (actually perfected the tissue pom-poms better than me), vacuumed, was the dishes, did laundry, actually organized our house and made countless trips to Marshalls, Homegoods and Target with me and always maintained a smile! 

In my family we have a saying about winning the lottery in life when there's a blessing beyond belief and I can say without a doubt that I won the lottery of life when I met Vinh. 

He finds me beautiful, and he still WANTS ME and he loves me even more everyday!

I overheard him saying that he didn't marry some submissive girl, he married an opinionated woman because he loves that she's an opinionated woman! My love language is affirmations so to hear him say those filled my love tank to the fullest!

He also loves that I punch back! He recently watched a snap chat video that I made and he jumped down my pants cause he thought it was sexy! He gets me and I get him. I met someone that matches my crazy and matches my sanity. 

The other day before heading to sleep he turned to me and said, Thank you fro being in my life" and as always I respond with, "What do you want?" (Years of learning people are only nice when they want something will do that your psyche) And my husband usually makes a joke about my typical response but instead he grabs my hand and kisses my hand and says, "For reals, I love you and I am so happy you're in my life." I teared up and said I feel the same way, he kissed my forehead and I went to sleep feeling extremely blessed .

And my confidence or blessed life doesn't stem from having a partner but it stems from having a partner who encourages and supports my confidence and blessings; and in that respect I want to stop apologizing for being us; a stylish, sassy, fat Latina without kids who is married to a skinny Asian guy who embraces his inner child-like whims who try their best to leave this world better than they found it.

I've also encouraged him to call me fat and to get comfortable with it because I don't want to give hateful words negative power. Thus the t-shirt photographed below- I bought it when it came back in stock and then I was so hesitant to wear it but with some encouragement from the hubby... I wore it for our birthdays and in the streets of  LA, "skinny is perfection" central.

Shirt is from @fatgirlflow

Shoes from Nordstrom Rack: Rebecca Minkoff

Shades are from @quayaustralia

I need to promise myself to stop saying sorry because I want to be done apologizing for going to Disneyland for the gajillionth time and for being the Fat Bitch that I am! 

We joke with #FirstWorldProblems but I placed that guilt upon myself when I think of the world's hardships and I know that I am trying my best to leave this world better than I found it, and for that I am ready to be done apologizing. 

I am ready to be not sorry for not being sorry.

That is all,

'Til next time-

Toodles, 

Lilly Perez-Ngo

BTW - Y'all wish me luck! The biggest event that I've been placed in charge with is coming up in 10 days!!! Pray for me y'all!

PS- Here are some pics from one of my favorite birthday dinners and lunches! Psss... really just an excuse to showcase my photography skills;-) 

We went to a hipsterish Mexican place in LA, Toca Madera and holy Madre de Dios, this food was legit and for my vegan readers... They have an expansive VEGAN MENU!!!! 

Street Sweet Corn was divine! I could've had 5 of these but I needed to save room for the entree. 

If you've ever gone out with me, you would know I sometimes choose foods and drinks simply because of their name and this drink's name was Como la flor, so of course I ordered it! 

This dish is A la roca: american wagyu beef topped with cilantro and onions, seared at your table, with habanero salt and grilled takin vegetables, served with three dipping sauces: jus de vino rojo, diablo salsa and chipotle crema

My mouth is watering from simply looking at it!

Corn arepas from Uva and Bar, my favorite pit stop before heading home from a Disneyland Trip 

And their calamari, to die for!