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I havent posted on the blog because I simply wasn't motivated or inspired to... And the summer wasn't more busy than usual BUT my mind was.
I have figured out that my most mentally tormenting months are the Summer months.
Summer 2018 was a bit better than years before - not entirely sure why- but I'm not complainin' If aything I thank GOD for granting me a little peace of mind of this Summer.
Nonetheless I was still inspired to write this blog because a daunting number approaches...
Dun-dun-dun! 33! In 44 days I will turn 33! And I am no closer to becoming pregnant.
Up until turning 28, I always knew, or at least I thought I did, that I wanted to be a mom. Something, some kind of switch, post quarter-life crisis, flipped in me and the tick-tock of my biological clock stopped ticking.
I'm not sure if it was the realization that I had reached my mom's age when she had my little brother or that I would be married within the year or the DAUNTING thought of failure that consumes me.
I'm just not sure but I found myself cringing at the idea of having one of those tiny humans inside of me or being RESPONSIBLE for a tiny human being for the rest of my life.
Fastfoward to the present time and I am 32 years-old and somewhere in the depths of my brain I can almost hear the tick-tock creeping it's way back.
Maybe it's the bombardment of pregnant friends on IG, or friends with multiple kids, or my younger brother had a baby at 27 (well not him-him but my SIL, well you know what I meant)
OR is it an even scarier worry... that I have NEVER even had a pregnancy scare... ever...
Should I begin to worry because my eggs or uterus may be not viable anymore...
The FEAR of not being capable to fulfill a dream that I deserted 4 years-ago fills me with insane emotions wrapped up with anxiety.
Which reminds me, about a year and a half ago I wrote a blogpost where I indirectly-ish asked folks to stop asking us when we're going to make a family; because I still stand by my words, we are a family, just the two of us and our three four-legged furry monsters is enough for me (no matter how many stains I have to clean up after-ish)
And I know through this whole blogpost you only hear me and my voice, - y'all might be thinking, well what about your Husband? And I'll say this much --- having children has become a point of contention.
The hubby said, while on vacay last week, he says "no one is ever really ready and we're bound to fuck up- everyone does."
And that just goes to show that I am way more Type A and he is not.
And while on vacation in so-cal, we of course made a pit-stop at Disneyland to checkout Pixar Pier where we found these awesome shirts!
Ellie and Carl from Pixar's Up are some of my favoritest film characters who bring out the best in each other.
Though the first 5 minutes from themovie UP totally wreck my heart, we also learn so many life lessons but for me the most important lessons are that Ellie and Carl find fulfillment in their lives, together!
They learn the small things make life worth living! And small successes matter, like this outfit ;-)
(I told y'all this post was only deep-ish...)
So this is where I'm at - at an in between where I wanna take the next step on our current ladder but where I also wanna find a new set of steps with new adventures.
And love in of itself is a great adventure so here's to love and what it holds remains to be seen -
Outfit Deets:
Jumpsuit: FashionNova Curve: I bought a size 2x but had to have it altered (I wish I would've photographed the before!), I could've sized down BUT I didn't want to risk the delivery time before our vacay- here it is, on On Sale
The white top is from ages ago, bought at Target (size L - so this is the only way it still "fits") and the super cute sandals are from Marshall's and comfortable for all day at Disneyland.
That is all-
'Til next time-
Toodles,
Lillyam! 😘
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