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The Meme Speaks to Me...

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First post of 2016!

Happy New Year y'all! I am back and oh so happy, ever so happy to be writing again! I have missed my little corner of joy and release!

I am excited, so excited! I have been reading Jess Baker's "Things no will tell fat girls" and it has been my main motivation to continue writing. It's also helping bring new life to my blog. It's the best-random, "just because" gift from my husband ever! I am no longer just a #JournalBlogger - I am a  #JournalFatshionBlogger

Reviewing my 2014 and 2015 posts, some of my most popular posts were my Fatshion 101 posts, thus this year, I look to be more intentional about being body positive through my Fatshion 101 posts! So be on alert for my Valentine's Day Fatshion 101 post!

Now to present matters at hand...

My last post was over a month ago and it was inspired by my tiredness of people's ignorance. And today's blog isn't any different-ish.

I am still tired of people's ignorance but more so I am writing this because I am tired of fighting back tears, I am tired of smiling, and I am mostly tired of my worst defense mechanism... continue reading...

There's been a situation that has tested my soul, my being and my values. I have been behaving in ways that have not made my parents proud and if I had kids, I would censor my behavior to a higher degree of maturity.

I have been immature and I am embarrassed - I can list the plethora of reasons of why I feel this situation is subpar of a human being but if I list those reasons, I would do so without absolutely any empathy. I have grown to be apathetic toward this and I don't feel any better about myself - my heart feels heavy and my stomach hurts and my anxiety flares up to degrees I didn't know I was capable of...

It cannot be a coincidence that the Lunar New Year and Ash Wednesday are only days apart; something that a monk and Pope Francis talked about has been circling my mind. A monk told me that I should always reconsider my decisions and it made me wonder what decisions???

And in this season of lent, and since Ash Wednesday, I have been pondering what should I give up for lent. And after I read an article from Time magazine about what Pope Francis discussed in regards to lent... my mind was blown... here's an excerpt from the article;
“Indifference to our neighbor and to God also represents a real temptation for us Christians. Each year during Lent we need to hear once more the voice of the prophets who cry out and trouble our conscience.”
As I read the article, I was reading it like, little Ms. High and Mighty, because indifference to those less fortunate than me is not me at all, so I was like, I guess I'll just give up chocolate. So there I am, reading the article, I am padding myself in the back because Pope Francis and God would totally be proud of me... OR WOULD THEY?

The answer is NOPE! One of my worst defense mechanisms is to be indifferent. It's one of the worst because it really tires me out, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have an extremely hard time being fake, because as I have mentioned before, if I don't like you, I don't like you.

But as an adult we're obligated to hang out with people we don't necessarily like but we survive and move on; for some of us, it's because we work with that individual, or we're related to that individual but what happens when the obligation feels like it's suffocating you?

I turn that suffocation off...by shutting myself off and becoming indifferent. And thus far it has worked for me until I read the article.

I continued to justify my indifference toward this situation by listing all the reasons I feel this way and then after a wonderful dinner with my husband and conversations about justice, his back pain and our next Disneyland trip... he asked me what I was planning to give up for lent and I was hit with an epiphany- I told him that I am making a promise to God that I truly want to keep because he has put this situation in my life to test me and my goodie-two-shoes, self-righteousness.

And as I watched "Inside the Actor's Studio" featuring the cast of "The Walking Dead" - one of the standard questions is:
"If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?"
And Steven Yeun, responded, "You did good." And I thought, isn't that essentially what I want to hear? And I cried, a little... I am essentially a good-hearted person and I just want to get right with God and just as much, myself.

Thus, here we go, round 3 (I say round 3 because I have hit the reset button with this situation twice before) - as I will make an attempt to stop being indifferent..

And as I explained to God, this doesn't mean I will go out of my way to be nice, because that would be disingenuous. I am promising God that I will stop my indifference; lack of interest, concern, or sympathy. So wish me luck.

That is all.

'Til next time.

Toodles,

 Lilly Perez-Ngo




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