Yes, you read this post title correctly. Our children will be Half breeds! Hapa! Multi-Cultural! Half Asian! Half Latino!
But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Disclaimer, this isn't a "We're expecting" announcement.
Let's start from the beginning...
A couple days ago my husband and I had dinner at a local pho restaurant and this was our second time there.
In the both times we went, the restaurant was scarce with customers, meaning it's usually just us and one other customer. It's like that kind of restaurant that's probably super busy over lunch time but not dinner time.. But I digress...
Well, the first time we went to this restaurant the food was good and the service, well... same-old, same-old of a local pho place... but always the same-old, same-old curious looks, curious questions and...
And after eight and a half years of dating, being engaged and marrying a man outside of my culture - it's just getting plain-old BORING and TIRING!
The looks we get walking hand in hand into the movies, into the restaurant, taking a stroll at the park, etc, etc, etc!
LIKE YES! GOD DAMN YES! We're together... AND...
Most folks: "AND you never see a Latina with an Asian guy..."
Me: "Well you never seen a million dollars in person, but it exists!"
Well... On this particular outing, to this particular restaurant the line of questioning annoyed me from the beginning...
First off, this was our 2nd time here and the first time they gave me a fork assuming I didn't know how to use chop sticks... well, that's okay-ish but then you saw me use the chopsticks pretty well so how about the 2nd time around you don't embarrass the both of us... Nope, no such luck, got a fork again.
And while we were eating we were asked if we'd just gotten out of work - and I dismissed this as simple small talk... (I'm socially awkward so I try to cut small talk to even smaller-small talk)
After a couple of more curious looks and curious stares and some side eyes with side conversations, we get up to pay the bill...
As my husband is paying the bill, the same woman that has been waiting on us, notices his wedding band - and the following awkward conversation ensues:
Woman: Keeps on looking at my husband with stern eyes and suddenly a twinge of a smirk when she sees something out of the corner of her eye, my husband's wedding band and she says...
"Marriage...hamhhh (judgmental huff-puff sigh of relief)"
My husband: Unknowingly, and what seems to be an oblivious tone, says... "Yes." And continues to sign the check.
Me: Feeling uncomfortable, because the woman looks like she still has something to say as she continues to stare at my husband and then back at me...
My husband: Notices her staring back and forth and says... gesturing to me "We're married."
Woman: She must have noticed the sternness in my husband's tone and changes her tone and her facial expression.
Afterward, what ensued, was just super awkward and fake on the ladies' part... "Oh congratulations..." (in that "fake-foot in mouth" tone that I have grown all too familiar with) "Kids soon..." "How long together..." and that last question seemed accusatory more than anything thus I was ready to get the hell out of there!
As soon as we walk out, Vinh begins cracking jokes about the lady's line of questions and we both conclude that she must've thought I was the "other woman" that he was taking to dinner at a janky-bust restaurant wanting to keep me unseen!
And we have a laugh and we have a high five but as I think- and think, and think some more. This scenario isn't the first of its kind.
This happens just way too often and we live in the bay area! Where folks are thought to be more liberal!
And lame! I know! Cry you an effin' river! - - - Big flipping deal! Just wait there's more!
On a trip to Puerto-Vallarta, we went zip-lining and one of the tour guides was super disrespectful by openly flirting with me even though he knew I was there with Vinh, I had been uncomfortable the entire time and when he began to remove my harness - I had had enough! And I told him to back the fuck off - and he said he would be able to give me more than just money. Implying that I was with Vinh only for his money? because "que te puede ofrecer ese Chinito, mas que dinero?" I was livid!
And Vinh gets the same looks, I can see the moms from these pho places looking at him and then looking at me - like why "con" why? They walk up to him and point out how handsome he is and with such a tone, always so accusingly - so shady -
"Sooo handsome!" Yeah, thanks captain obvious, it's why I married him, well that, and that sweet ass don't hurt either.
This type of situation happens to us on a daily basis, yes daily. No, not everyone thinks I'm "the other woman" and not everyone calls him handsome (Vinh would say otherwise;-) but at restaurants, at the movies, at gatherings people do not put us together;
At a restaurant if one or the other gets there first and inform the host that our spouse has checked in they 85-90% ask us if we're sure... And as soon as we say the Asian guy or the Latina woman... Then the host or hostess looks dumbfounded like "oh"
No, I'm not saying everyone should just assume that we're together but I wonder how often this happens to couples from the same culture or even other multi-cultural couples. I say this because in the same example of the restaurant, there have been a couple of instances where they thought I was with the white guy, the black guy and once, even a woman!
But the picture is what begins to bother me. With all the stupid rhetoric being shown on TV and how many followers that stupid rhetoric is receiving. I am afraid for our future kids. (2nd disclaimer; we're not pregnant but that's where my thought process goes now - as adults who eventually plan to have kids, our behavior needs to begin to reflect that - again I digress)
Weeeeellllll! I am not without shame or blame either.
While I was doing some of my thinking, I did some self-reflecting and some self-analyzing - A few years ago I would refer to one person in particular of half descent as a half breed; I was 19, I thought I was being funny!
And a part of me still finds it humorous because I married someone out of my culture and now our children will be "half breeds."
But there is just so much to learn before we have kids and learning how to deal with stupid comments, curious questions and declarative statements and a sense of humor is a lesson I am learning thanks to my husband.
When the day comes and our children do not "look" like us - I don't know how I'll be able to handle the stupid comments, curious questions and declarative statements with a sense of humor especially labels like "hapa" "half breed" "mixed..." and whatever other creative lexicon some idiot comes up with to make themselves feel more comfortable.
I understand that people who feel uncomfortable or are unexposed to diversity or filled wih paranoia and fear, feel the need to label "it" but how do you explain labels to kids? How do you explain marginalization, propaganda, consequences, compassion, tolerance?
That is all,
'Til next time.
Toodles
Lilly Perez-Ngo
But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Disclaimer, this isn't a "We're expecting" announcement.
Let's start from the beginning...
A couple days ago my husband and I had dinner at a local pho restaurant and this was our second time there.
In the both times we went, the restaurant was scarce with customers, meaning it's usually just us and one other customer. It's like that kind of restaurant that's probably super busy over lunch time but not dinner time.. But I digress...
Well, the first time we went to this restaurant the food was good and the service, well... same-old, same-old of a local pho place... but always the same-old, same-old curious looks, curious questions and...
And after eight and a half years of dating, being engaged and marrying a man outside of my culture - it's just getting plain-old BORING and TIRING!
The looks we get walking hand in hand into the movies, into the restaurant, taking a stroll at the park, etc, etc, etc!
LIKE YES! GOD DAMN YES! We're together... AND...
Most folks: "AND you never see a Latina with an Asian guy..."
Me: "Well you never seen a million dollars in person, but it exists!"
Well... On this particular outing, to this particular restaurant the line of questioning annoyed me from the beginning...
First off, this was our 2nd time here and the first time they gave me a fork assuming I didn't know how to use chop sticks... well, that's okay-ish but then you saw me use the chopsticks pretty well so how about the 2nd time around you don't embarrass the both of us... Nope, no such luck, got a fork again.
And while we were eating we were asked if we'd just gotten out of work - and I dismissed this as simple small talk... (I'm socially awkward so I try to cut small talk to even smaller-small talk)
After a couple of more curious looks and curious stares and some side eyes with side conversations, we get up to pay the bill...
As my husband is paying the bill, the same woman that has been waiting on us, notices his wedding band - and the following awkward conversation ensues:
Woman: Keeps on looking at my husband with stern eyes and suddenly a twinge of a smirk when she sees something out of the corner of her eye, my husband's wedding band and she says...
"Marriage...hamhhh (judgmental huff-puff sigh of relief)"
My husband: Unknowingly, and what seems to be an oblivious tone, says... "Yes." And continues to sign the check.
Me: Feeling uncomfortable, because the woman looks like she still has something to say as she continues to stare at my husband and then back at me...
My husband: Notices her staring back and forth and says... gesturing to me "We're married."
Woman: She must have noticed the sternness in my husband's tone and changes her tone and her facial expression.
Afterward, what ensued, was just super awkward and fake on the ladies' part... "Oh congratulations..." (in that "fake-foot in mouth" tone that I have grown all too familiar with) "Kids soon..." "How long together..." and that last question seemed accusatory more than anything thus I was ready to get the hell out of there!
As soon as we walk out, Vinh begins cracking jokes about the lady's line of questions and we both conclude that she must've thought I was the "other woman" that he was taking to dinner at a janky-bust restaurant wanting to keep me unseen!
And we have a laugh and we have a high five but as I think- and think, and think some more. This scenario isn't the first of its kind.
This happens just way too often and we live in the bay area! Where folks are thought to be more liberal!
And lame! I know! Cry you an effin' river! - - - Big flipping deal! Just wait there's more!
On a trip to Puerto-Vallarta, we went zip-lining and one of the tour guides was super disrespectful by openly flirting with me even though he knew I was there with Vinh, I had been uncomfortable the entire time and when he began to remove my harness - I had had enough! And I told him to back the fuck off - and he said he would be able to give me more than just money. Implying that I was with Vinh only for his money? because "que te puede ofrecer ese Chinito, mas que dinero?" I was livid!
And Vinh gets the same looks, I can see the moms from these pho places looking at him and then looking at me - like why "con" why? They walk up to him and point out how handsome he is and with such a tone, always so accusingly - so shady -
"Sooo handsome!" Yeah, thanks captain obvious, it's why I married him, well that, and that sweet ass don't hurt either.
This type of situation happens to us on a daily basis, yes daily. No, not everyone thinks I'm "the other woman" and not everyone calls him handsome (Vinh would say otherwise;-) but at restaurants, at the movies, at gatherings people do not put us together;
At a restaurant if one or the other gets there first and inform the host that our spouse has checked in they 85-90% ask us if we're sure... And as soon as we say the Asian guy or the Latina woman... Then the host or hostess looks dumbfounded like "oh"
 |
| This look is all too familiar! |
But the picture is what begins to bother me. With all the stupid rhetoric being shown on TV and how many followers that stupid rhetoric is receiving. I am afraid for our future kids. (2nd disclaimer; we're not pregnant but that's where my thought process goes now - as adults who eventually plan to have kids, our behavior needs to begin to reflect that - again I digress)
Weeeeellllll! I am not without shame or blame either.
While I was doing some of my thinking, I did some self-reflecting and some self-analyzing - A few years ago I would refer to one person in particular of half descent as a half breed; I was 19, I thought I was being funny!
And a part of me still finds it humorous because I married someone out of my culture and now our children will be "half breeds."
But there is just so much to learn before we have kids and learning how to deal with stupid comments, curious questions and declarative statements and a sense of humor is a lesson I am learning thanks to my husband.
When the day comes and our children do not "look" like us - I don't know how I'll be able to handle the stupid comments, curious questions and declarative statements with a sense of humor especially labels like "hapa" "half breed" "mixed..." and whatever other creative lexicon some idiot comes up with to make themselves feel more comfortable.
I understand that people who feel uncomfortable or are unexposed to diversity or filled wih paranoia and fear, feel the need to label "it" but how do you explain labels to kids? How do you explain marginalization, propaganda, consequences, compassion, tolerance?
That is all,
'Til next time.
Toodles
Lilly Perez-Ngo
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