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| Biscuit Home in Houston, Texas |
If you didn't already know (shame-on you because I've written about some of my mental-health struggles) about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder; To put it in layman's terms I am a constant worrier and trust me, I am putting it lightly.
My anxiety monster makes its appearance when money, family, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility overcome any "logical" way of thinking and as much as I love traveling, my anxiety flares up the most during travel.
About 10 years-ago, we went to Nicaragua for New Years and I became overwhelmed, manic, with a sense of an impending death, I purchased life insurance, left letters for loved ones and notes about funeral arrangements.
Obviously, I didn't die not unless I did... And this is an alternate universe..
Whoa! That's be trippy... Any who, when our trip was over, I was happy to be home and secluded myself until school started. I sought to recluse myself because I didn't it know it then but I am an introvert and socializing as "much fun" as it can be for "normal folk," socializing proves to be really exhausting for me.
One of my many coping mechanisms is my organizational skills, to mend my minor OCD ways, I am very methodical about cleaning and organizing my home, my car, my purses, my agenda and my closet! And when things go missing, well ask anyone who has seen me lose my shit! (Especially my poor hubby) It's not pretty, to say the least.
My parents always dismissed my episodes as childish tantrums so in adulthood, I kept my tantrums aka my anxiety attacks to myself.
Panic attacks mean I begin sweating, I become lightheaded, it's as if I could feel the blood flowing through my body, my heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest - as I'm ready to dial 911 - I can sometimes talk myself out of the panic attack or I pinch myself until that pain is my only focus.
It took me a while to seek professional help but when I did - I realized I'd been suffering with anxiety most of my life.
But no matter how often I think I've got shit handled that little anxiety creep makes its way back into my thoughts. And recently a musician killed himself at age 52! He had a family, was financially stable and still revered... So even when it seems like people have got their shit together - no one ever really knows. But his death and his music reminded me of some of my darker days and thoughts...
In my early teens I attempted suicide on three separate occasions. I put my parents through hell and back and the child therapist provided through public health was a joke and had no idea how to talk to teens (Really had NO BUSINESS being a "therapist)
And I promise this post isn't meant to be morbid or a cry for help. I want to normalize conversations about suicide and attempts to commit suicide because there are people who continue to viciously malign my mental-illness a weakness.
I continue to deal with mental-health struggles everyday and when people are too busy with their personal agenda to destroy my character by making their own judgmental assessments of me I am further convinced as to why I don't allow everyone in.
The minute you show true-ugly-colors I shut down but if folks were genuinely kind, you can find out that I am quirky, I am shy, I am introverted, I am the type of person who giggles to myself when I make dirty jokes to myself (still at 31) and I am simply Nucking Futs!
My suicide attempts were fueled because mind was consumed with too many grown-up issues and in adulthood, I learned what didn't kill me, "gave me a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor." <--- Thank you Nina for this meme!
And people that judge my coping mechanisms and have their preconceived notions of mental-illness and kick a man or in my case, kick a woman while she's down are the most deplorable and despicable.
This mural found at Biscuit Home in Houston, Texas -I found during one Instagram binging night and I fell in love!
The mural looks like an attempt at keeping my sh*t together, it can look pretty but it's a mess. And I learned a long time ago, it's much more healthy for my mental well-being to create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside. It's why I embrace my past, it's a part of me but it doesn't defy me and though it took me a while to reach that realization ON MY OWN I am even more blessed to have married someone who loves me, even on days I hate myself and life.
Our trip to Texas, I thoroughly enjoyed alone time with my favoritest laughing partner, my hubby. He indulged my need to photograph this wall, this fit and my new favorite hat - custom made by Hats by Olivia
Top is from Zara
Now can we talk about this purse for a milli-second...
I have an affinity for interesting and off-the-cuff accessories that are instantly classic.
I can see myself wearing this purse for like, forever!
I am obsessed!
When I saw this mural painting I immediately fell in love with the use of bleeding color! It was messy and it was joyful! When I saw it in person, I began to cry because I saw myself in the mural.
I can be a colorful mess and I can be filled with darkness underneath. Not many people are welcome to see my colorful mess nor my darkness because I honestly just don't like that many people. Life is too short and I am too much of an introvert for vapid conversations aka small talk. So when I dedicate time to the people in my life, it's really time to check-in, support each other, love each other and really laugh with each other.
The talk of suicide and mental health issue makes some people really uncomfortable, understandably, so! I cope with that discomfort by confronting conversations straight forward or by making jokes, hence the dark sense of humor.
I know that I am Nucking Futs (thanks Captain Obvious) and that is why I only surround myself with people who REALLY love me, who REALLY have my best interest at heart, and who REALLY know the demons that torment me and who REALLY DO NOT hold those demons against me.
I surround myself with people who laugh with me because laughter has truly been my best medicine.
And sometimes, the best person to keep me company is myself. If I crave alone time, it is not a reflection of anyone but me. It feels natural to be alone, to read, to dance, to bathe, to work, to eat, to drink, etc, etc, All by lonesome self. I write my blogs alone (most of the time) and after four days in 90 degree weather and 85% humidity weather, then to a surprise Disneyland for 36 hours and numerous flights, I am happy to be home!
In our little apartment, on our lone-sofa, at our small dining table with our three little furry babies - it's what keeps my demons at bay - I thank God for reminding me of life's many blessings, no matter how far we go, the best things in life remain free and to be "the little things."
So to my husband, my family and my remaining friends, you remain because you laugh with me and I thank God everyday for placing you in my life.
That is all,
'Til next time,
Toddles
Mrs. Perez-Ngo
PS - If you feel inclined - you may make a donation - they understand the popularity of their wall and making something good of it ;-)
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