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| Photo from here |
Music is one of my favoritest and most powerful self-healing tools.
Music and lyrics are open to interpretation and can always differ depending on your feelings, your experiences and your mood - Music can make you cry, dance, laugh, smile, hate, resent, remember...etc...
And I am not saying anything new about music that hasn't been written before but it has been my only solace - that not even wine can reach ;-)
In the past three weeks I have had two handful of panic attacks - sometimes accompanied with sleep-paralysis - the feeling of being awake but being unable to move. (Which is one of my irrational fears - not having control of my body - that - and going blind)
Or
I will wake up in panic attacks and sometimes a little bit of both - where in my moment of sleep paralysis - I could hear my own screams but my mouth is unable open, or children laughing or a burglar in the house - so I finally wake up but in a panic- and other times pretend I am going to the bathroom but searching all over of our apartment - just to make sure I am awake...
About three weeks ago I had my first panic in a series of panic attacks to follow- At first, I didn't allow myself to have a panic attack - (Yes, we can sometimes talk ourselves out of them) So I chose to sleep instead - in one of the rare occasions that I fell asleep early --- but then woke up early - still feeling anxious and again - I tried to ignore that old-familiar frenemy - so instead my body reacted with a muscle spasm.
I screamed in pain because trying to get up was unbearable - the pain felt similar to having kidney stones - but on my neck and shoulder and with any slight movement - it felt like a million daggers into my back. My husband, God bless his heart, said take a warm bath but it just made me scream in more pain to try to move.
And then in one of my more humiliating moments with my husband - he had to dress me... And I get it - he has seen my naked - no big deal - BUT that feeling of being feeble drove my anxiety off the charts- - - so the tears were a mix of shame and anger because I couldn't control my brain nor my body.
In the middle of panic attacks - I am almost outside of my body looking in and as much as I want to jump in and slap myself out of it - I can't.
My loved ones know me to be the cry-baby that cries for everything but I'm also known as the go-to strong and reliable one. So in moments of need - I understand what it's like to be first or second phone call.
I am an empathetic soul and try my best to be my loved ones strength, shoulder and listening ear- But these feelings and sentiments cannot be forced out of me - a few weeks ago I prayed HARD but could not let go of indifference and disgust - hence the trigger of my panic attacks
Then someone close to me suffered from what I can only imagine to be one of the greatest losses a human could experience - and I kept it together - I told myself they're gonna be okay - we're gonna be okay - they're be gonna okay - so I listened to a lot of upbeat music but to no avail because that Monday - I had a panic attack.
In the weeks that followed - my dad received news that his mother had fallen ill - so my parents made an emergency trip to Guatemala - and as they arrived my dad got the news his mother had passed away while he was on-flight. I am not blessed enough to have had a relationship with my paternal grandma but my daddy is my hero - and when your hero is left an orphan - and you can't be there... Well - it strikes a new nerve...
And that's when I am reminded of what I pray for - for my peace of mind and that of my family's. They have seen my emotional and physical scars. They have been there for me. They have supported me. They have loved me. They have accepted me. They have not judged me, They have not doubted my love. They have valued my integrity. They LOVE. KNOW. RESPECT.
The events that triggered my mental distress did not get the best of me - deservedly so and God knows why...
My younger brother reminds there are more paramount circumstances that heed my strength - - -
Which reminds me of my latest favorite song - I am a queen without a crown because my King wears His crown of thorns for me - And my castle is made of stone...
You "can tell" me not to be mean - You "can tell" to keep my pretty mouth shut and I will stay poised because I was raised to believe that manners are more important than any one person.
And though I may bend (panic attacks) I do not break. If you want my thoughts and my cogitations - be prepared to be bruised - because I am not a sand castle - I am a castle made of stone.
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| Inspired by another queen - Erykah Badu - durh |
Believe me - my brother and I do not agree on a lot but there is a mutual respect that I know better to honor with love and the same goes for my sister... sh*t ain't easy, but f*ck, it's worth it
My sister set me straight and through text consoled me about the love, knowledge and respect we have built in the last 30 years - - again, sh*t ain't easy, but f*ck, it's worth it - so as she reminded me - when a situation shows you what it is... it's up to you to place that situation where it belongs and remind yourself it is what it is...
#Blessed
And then in a conversation with the mirror:
Like sh*t! She know, She struggle constantly battling these panic attacks but God created Her FAT Ship. Her FAT Heart. Her FAT body. Her FAT soul Strong enough and FAT enough to handle all the thunderstorms and all the human-created-shit-storms thrown Her way - so that She may end the day appreciating life even more. She is Me.
I've seen my family go through some tough sh*t and I made the egregious error to my mental health to internalize it and thanks to their strength - I am reminded of my strong foundation - I am reminded of my roots - and I can breathe again - I am alive - I am loved. I am known. I am respected.
She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel - preach Queens!
Thank you fam!
'Til next time...
Which is now...
Fatshion 101: Vida Abundante - Abundant Life
Sooooo on that note - how about something a little lighter... Like I said music has been my solace and when I was turned-on to Jidenna - thanks to my boo Trevor Noah The Daily Show. I nearly lost my sh*t when he dances and raps "hand-me downs with the patches... [Mama] taught me how to make a silver spoon out of plastic... don't want my best dressed day in a casket"
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| Photo from here and edited by moi |
Ish... hehehe - What... Let me live vicariously through this song for a minute - please and thank you...
But back to Long Live the Chief - And Extraordinaire - - -
Please don't think I have forgotten about my section 8 roots - though I like to keep it #BougieSassyFATandReal - I remember where I am from and I know a bargain when I see one!
So while Ms. Dolly Parton said - "It takes a lot of money to look cheap..."
And, I love you Ms. Parton, but I err on the side of - "It don't cost much to be Sassy and Classic"
While they spend a $$$Gajillion$$$ - I spend my 2cents - so in Jidenna's words - "I'mma get the last laugh in..."
He who laughs last, laughs best...
Those of us born with plastic spoons are sometimes the most resourceful and I accredit my upbringing to my style staples! Hence, my latest favoritest dress from H&M.
Life is abundant AND SO IS THIS DRESS! It all depends on your perspective! My life's abundance ain't the materialistic ish, the false praises, the self-faux-sense of exclusivity, -
My life's abundance is having the most GENUINE Love. Respect. Knowledge.
And a good sale - that grants me bottomless creativity ;-)
Without further ado...
First thing's first - this wall! I drive past this wall every time I want to avoid the 87 bumpber-to-bumper traffic and as soon as I saw it - I needed to photograph it!
Second... This dress is my favoritest dress right now! It's basically a shapeless potato sack but with the right jacket - it becomes this piece of delicious Sassiness! I bought the dress at HM for $7!
Originally $49.99 - Ha! And it kinda had a three-peat weekend - it's how much I loved it - I wore it to Carmel for our post-Valentine's dinner as seen here. with a denim jacket - my floral shoes and a striped beanie -and as always my trusty bag-pack.
I wore a "second" time for dinner when I changed into black pleather jacket and black boots.
Originally $49.99 - Ha! And it kinda had a three-peat weekend - it's how much I loved it - I wore it to Carmel for our post-Valentine's dinner as seen here. with a denim jacket - my floral shoes and a striped beanie -and as always my trusty bag-pack.
I wore a "second" time for dinner when I changed into black pleather jacket and black boots.
I also paired the dress with one of my hats! Circa 2015 - I think...
And with a pair of crisp of white shoes circa 2010...
This look was perfectly clean and laid-back for a casual Saturday.
The pleather jacket is from Nordstrom Rack and this one was a bit of a splurge - at $39.99 but to find this color in my size and to be able to close it- is kinda like a gold mine - that I couldn't let pass by me
I could simply have put on heels to make it night-out ready - again! -
Which is why I love this dress even more!
It was windy and my favorite almost left me but my hubby got a great candid picture while I caught the hat before the wind claimed it ;-) The shades are from Francesca's - majority if the time, they have a two pair of shades for $20 deal at their Oakridge boutique.
Oh you know... I'm just casually taking a Saturday-stroll in front of a pretty cool wall :-)
I believe my hubby +Victor Ngo deserves a round of applause ;-) Lord knows he's patient!
Now we just have to work on close ups and soft focus.... Baby steps...
That is all,
Officially ;-)
'Til next time,
Toodles,
MRS. Lilly Perez-Ngo
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