The proceeding rant is to not be twisted - Though I am emotionally exhausted from this year... I'm still grateful and I still feel blessed with family and friends, I have a roof over my head, I have food on my plate and I go to sleep in my own bed with a sprinkle of Disneyland trips and mini adventures BUT DAMN IT this year has been extra...( as the kids say)
I am literally fucking done with this year! The only real positive memorable event is my little brother's wedding - other than that 2016 can roll over, eat shit and die for all I care!
There were many lessons learned and they were fucking hard and fucking emotionally, fucking mentally and fucking physically draining!!!
Yes! That many f-bombs are fucking necessary! Because it has been that fucking draining.
Okay-okay... I apologize but I needed to get those outta me... I'm writing to you from my sanctuary (our bedroom), I am finally-ish getting over this cold and can finish editing my thoughts from the comfort of our bedroom before heading out for the evening.
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| The Journal Blogger at work - SANCTUARY! |
When I decorated our bedroom - I wanted to create a cozy and welcoming room full of light. I wanted to create a sanctuary of sorts because as most introverts know, your room is your most treasured space and with the year that I've had - our room seriously became my favoritest place.
There are so many areas of life that compose a life, which pretty much are concentrated and compartmentalized by work, home life, family, and friends. And this year every area in my life was hit hard, emotionally, mentally and physically. (All of which - I am sure "normal" people can handle but with GAD, stomach virus, ocular migraines and kidney stones - this whole year became a little harder to smile at...)
And nothing of which hasn't been dealt with or in the process of being dealt with (thanks to my husband, my family and friends)...
The year had already been challenging my sullen personality and I chose to stay positive but then November 8th came and the hardest emotional hurdle this year was, really to no one's surprise, the election results- because it combines and is affects every aspect of life.
I don't have anything new to say nor anything nice to say about the idiots that voted and condone the orange sexual assaulting pile of shit- the hardest part has been and still is, accepting the orange sexual assaulting pile of shit will be president come January 2017.
And there's nothing any of us can do except to continue to do the hard work day in and day out like we already do- to better the world.
I work to serve very-low-income families that struggle everyday to make ends meet, they struggle to survive - they struggle to "live." A percentage of our families are here "illegally" and they've been afraid to lose everything, which already is the bare minimum.
And I can allow my anger to seep deeper and deeper but the program following elections was one of the best things that could've happened --- I was able to witness, first-hand, our families' perseverance, their strength, their supportive nature and their love!
For the majority of our families, our program plays an integral role in their lives for a sense of community, for a sense of support, and for a sense of BELONGING!
Soooooo! That Sunday I had an epiphany, I conscientiously turned my feelings from fear and anger to promising myself to love and awareness. I promised myself to surround myself EVEN MORE SO with people who want and make an effort to make the world a better place for EVERYONE.
I know! It's this amazing RADICAL idea - I mean the gall of me - right?!?!? To make the world a better place for EVERYONE!
I also remind myself that I am not alone when it comes to this radical idea of mine--- there are more of us then there are of them - over 2.8 million of us to be a little more exact.
The election proved what all of us social activists have been saying for years! A post-racial America DOES NOT EXIST and post-racial America is a myth created to silent the masses that witness social injustices every fucking damn day.
Our work isn't over and it will never be over because Hate exists and Hate is here to stay because sadly the world is also INFESTED with people who just want to see the world burn. Though that will remain a constant truth, I will not allow it to diminish my light. I will surround myself with people who attempt to spread light.
And this goes for many aspects of my life - but mainly the one aspect that has given me strength and support which leads me to the topic of my Fatshion 101 posts.
The Instagram community has been a real helpful and healing therapeutic tool - I am inspired by so many of these Instagram accounts: @effyourbeautystandards @feminitastic @undocumedia
They are more than what's at the surface and vapid things like clothes and what looks cute...
They're about inclusion and accepting every flaw, every eccentricity, every round peg that doesn't fit the square, every misfit and non-misfit.
Thus this year, I have developed an even stronger distaste for people who CHOOSE to ostracize other people (simply because their different, fat, poor, etc), who CHOOSE to create a faux sense of exclusivity ( you know those folks, who swear they invented "cool" - the mean girls and guys who don't let you sit at their table), and who CHOOSE to make other people feel worse about themselves (I've written about these people many a times before). Like, seriously go fuck yourself with a cactus.
As the great Ms. Adele said:
I dunno what specific moment triggered these feelings, or if there is even a specific moment... But there is a quote that speaks loud and and clearly what I mean:
Real queens fix each others crowns...
You claim to support my self-love journey and constantly talk about how "fat" you are - you're still insulting me...
You claim to love that I love my body and constantly talk about your god damn diet for the fucking millionth time... No! Stop it! You have a gajillion other people you can talk to about this... Why do you choose to have it with me?
When I'm excited to have an awesome picture of me taken and my face structure looks amazing (Yes, there are certain images and angles of myself that I find more aesthetically pleasing- FOR ME!)
And if I'm happy about my face structure, let me have that moment... Liking myself is difficult enough so when I have those moments be happy for me!
And I don't mean to contradict myself- because I could love a picture of my double chins just as much!
And in that same respect please quit insulting by "complimentong" me when you say: "You look great! Did you lose weight!?!" No!!! If you know me and you love me (like you claim) respect the fat body that I'm in! And respect the fact that I'm happy with the body I have (and no- not all the time - not the times I have kidney stones, not the times I have ocular migraines or the times by brain decides to have panic attack BUT yes majority of the time 80-90% of the time I know I am blessed to have an able, functioning and banging body!)
And not to beat a dead-horse but if you also know me and RESPECT me please know that I haven't "dieted" in over 2yrs! And I don't plan nor do I think I need to lose weight any fucking time soon!
This doesn't mean I won't help you or be supportive to "fix your crown" if you choose to go on a diet or begin an exercise regimen to "better" yourself - but I want to let you know that you're knocking my crown off or making me feel like my crown needs to be fixed when you say there's something wrong with being FAT.
I wear my fatness loud and proud! Put it this way: you have two brown friends - Friend A is proud and brown and Friend B wants to bleach their skin because they don't want to be brown anymore - what is Friend B essentially saying?
Again, nothing wrong with wanting to change or "better" yourself but Friend B should probably have these conversations with Friends C, D, E, etc- who feel the same way. And not Friend A who wears their Brown skin proud and loud.
Now, you can argue - "geesh - I guess I won't be talking to you anymore" -
Oooookay - ish - well then that's more of a reflection on you because not only do you not care about my feelings nor respect my FAT body choices but you also couldn't think of anything else to talk about with me?
And not just this but let's challenge ourselves to talk about other things other than our bodies!
And this challenge will go for me as well! Though I've embraced my fat body, the dimples on my legs - I struggle with accepting my adult acne and my adult wrinkles!
As the quote goes: Real queens fix each other's crowns...
Not because you need me to fix yours (and you hope I'll fix yours one day), not because you feel obligated, not because you need to prove that you are a queen...
I feel like fixing each others crowns could be learned or it could be inherent... Either way that's what I strive to accomplish in this new year, to be a woman of color who wears her fatness, her browness, her wrinkles, her dimples, her love and her heart on her sleeve and to fix other queens' crowns - TO AN EXTENT (I can't turn the other cheek when I feel like I've been mistreated, yet!- Maybe one day I'll learn not to be so rancorous)
Though on a positive note, this year I found that I have more supportive friends in the fat Instagram community - like minded people who understand that my mental health is more important than trying to fulfill the western-european patriarchal standards of beauty.
My Fatshion 101 post was initially a vanity project but it progressed with every post-
I learned that for a small population of friends and strangers, my Fatshion101 posts have a positive effect and folks DM me questions and comments about my clothes, about my thoughts and about my concerns.
The feedback feels good and I am also humbled to be able to help other folks... (no matter how small the percentage of people) ...feel better about themselves, to help others with shopping questions and to encourage other folks to embrace their bodies!
I am nothing more than a lone journal blogger finding time in this hectic schedule called life to write and to decompress.
Writing is my outlet, if you like what I have to say, thank you for reading and if you don't like it (you still made it all this way)- so, still thank you for helping me reach 10,000 views on this little blog of mine.
This sort of journal will continue to be my outlet and I can only imagine what the next four years has in store for us AND here I will be adding my spec of light from my sanctuary.
Now please join me in cheers to the new years!
P.S.New year's resolution: I am a strong believer in do you and I do me but if what you believe dehumanizes, belittles and disrespects others - then it's no longer "do you" it's more like forget you! (As I get older, I just ain't got time for your shady- salty shit anymore)
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