A long time ago, my career-life was managing after school programs and I have sooooo many great memories from that time. (I crave it so bad!)
I recently began day dreaming of those days because of a trivial regret I had...
On our last trip to Disneyland I wore a shirt dress without a jacket, without a cardigan, without, what I refer to as, "my protective layer."
I didn't care that you could see my love handles, or that you could see a hint of my muffin top, or that stomach bulged out a bit or that my dimpled knees could be seen... I REALLY DID NOT CARE!
We would pass a glass window and I would instead admire the curves of my fat ass, the curves created by my breastesses, the striped shirt that complimented my awesome white shoes - that I've managed to keep white for over 8 years!
LIKE! Look at you mujer! Smiling and working hard everyday to love and appreciate life!
I was so damn ready to pat myself on the back as we sat down to have our Sunday afternoon adult beverages. I was predictably having a glass of rosé, especially 92° weather!
And because I am me and I is who I is - I need to capture every moment I feel fabulous - so I asked my hubby to photograph me taking a sip.
And when I saw the picture - I was like yasss-ish - because I immediately thought about how much time I wasted hating my body.
I thought of all the summers I didn't wear that dress, those shorts, that bathing suit, etc, etc, etc...
My hubby could tell that I had began to drift... And so he asked, what murderous plot are you planning next...
It scared him to hear me utter the following words - " I regret not having worn what I always wanted to wear! Look at me now! I am 195lbs! And here I am rocking this dress! Looking fabulous! And to think 10lbs ago, 20lbs ago, I thought I was too fat to ever wear this!"
Which led me to reminisce - Some of the greatest proverbs and/or quotes that I apply to my everyday life - I learned during my time working with youth.
Folks know I like to decorate the crap outta my agenda, my calendars and my offices - so in attempts to encourage our students to self-reflect and to express themselves - I left one wall dedicated to their feelings.
The wall simply read: How do you feel?
And they were only given one rule, if there's a curse word - only use the first letter.
Their feelings, sometimes were kept to a single word, some students reflected best with song lyrics, others took quotes from movies and other times they wrote words that hit me like bricks.
"There are no regrets, just lessons learned."
And my mind was blown! And it's sh-stuff like that- that I miss and I crave but I digress... (maybe for another blog)
Sooooo many of their words stuck with me but this quote right here hit a nerve and weighed heavy in my soul...
A few years before I had started this wall of feelings- I had an emotional-mental break down.
I took a year off school and sought out therapy because the demons that haunted me festered themselves into regrets.
And those regrets manifested themselves into sleepless nights, binge drinking, binge eating, anxiety attacks, avoidance of social gatherings, and most threatening of all, re-emerging suicidal thoughts (I romanticize death - it's why I tend to have an unsettling morbid sense of humor which few people understand but I've grown to be okay with that)
At the time, my husband, then only my boyfriend of 1.5 years, was scared shitless and was really the only one who knew. I kept up a good show for the sake of not ruffling anyone's feathers.
So, two weeks ago, when he heard me say regret...
He immediately looked at me and said - "No regrets, just lessons learned."
I admit, it was a momentary lapse of wanting a pity party...
And in this journey to self-love and body positivity - it really helps to surround yourself with people who truly love and VALUE your soul more than your appearance.
Surround yourself with soul lovers and soul seekers and you'll see how much better you'll feel about yourself and about others and life as well.
That is all,
'Til next time,
Toodles,
Lillyam Perez-Ngo
PS. My therapists says it is human nature to have regrets, we can allow ourselves to have regrets, the lesson learned is to not dwell on them and ask ourselves - what we need to do - to forgive ourselves...
And that ladies and gents is the grandest of hurdles I am still learning to jump.
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